The Confused Quinoa Kanoyim

It was late one Tuesday evening, the night before the Israeli Yated publishes their online edition, and the editors were scratching their heads.

"It's only one week until Pesach," they moaned. "And we haven't yet suceeded in making all Chareidi housewives completely nuts." Ideas were tossed around. Bans and cherems hotly debated. What would the article include? There was just so much: from R' Blumenkrantz's latest 600-page manifesto banning gluesticks, garbage cans and nitrogen peroxide, to the new "South American Babazooba: All Meat is Treif" scandal. What would it be?

So one week before Pesach, the following "Notice" was published in Yated Ne'eman.

"Quinoa Should Not be used on Pesach!"

Instead of providing a comprehensive article explaining exactly why this delightful grain-like dish has been banned, the Yated merely wrote the following:

"Full details will be published in the Pesach edition."

How convenient. "That will insure that no one will be able to refute our faulty understanding of Holocho," thought the Yated Staff. Nope, that will have to wait for next week.

The next week brought with it one of the most bizzare articles Yated has ever published. The following is excerpted from the Pesach edition of Yated, interspersed with the helpful commentary of Pravda Ne'eman.

"For our Pesach issue we received a very nice article on quinoa."

Something nice in the Yated? Ooh, we can see this thing turning ugly real quickly.

"For some years, it was widely believed that quinoa is permissible on Pesach...[because of] a ruling given by HaRav Blau of Yerushalayim in 5756 (1996)."

So far so good.

"However when we called to verify this ruling, as we routinely do, we got a surprise."

The Yated calls to verify the ruling about quinoa on a yearly basis? Why? Just to check if it hasn't yet altered its molecular structure? This is proof positive that Yated Ne'eman believes strongly in evolution.

"HaRav Blau told us unequivocally that he does not give out any halachic information about quinoa and refused to discuss the issue any further."

Ouch. Don't take that quinoa so personally.

"[The Eidah Chareidis] referred us to Rav Brizel, who is in charge of "Spices and Kitniyos" and is thus their expert on this matter."

Good. What happened next?

"Rav Brizel said that he has been carrying around a picture of the plant for more than a year but still does not feel that he knows all that he would like to know."

The expert has been carrying a picture of it for a year? Is it in his wallet next to his wife, children and brocolli photos? Okay...

Following that utterly confusing and convulated article, Yated then printed some tasty quinoa recipes, including "Quinoa and Cauliflower" and "Quinoa Pilaf." That's right, delicious recipes for the food that they had just banned. Maybe next month we'll be treated to Fried Ham and Bacon Fricasee courtesy of Yated's Culinary Column.